Emotional

Garamond is keeping me company while I sit on the floor writing. Today has been emotional and I’ve been avoiding it all day. I don’t want to deal with it, but I have to.

My present life isn’t hard exactly, but dealing with my past is. I have to find the source of this torture. Maybe in some weird way I am looking for a place to belong - a family of my own. I have an overwhelming fear of everything. I fear the unknown, of taking risks, and failure of any sort.

I battle myself everyday and have to make myself do little stuff to help my confidence and get over these irrational fears.

I just want to forget and be happy, but I can’t.  I want to escape and not think about all the bad stuff that happened and made me cry.

My family crumbled, fell apart, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t help them. I needed them and they were not there. 

(Written 3-19-13)

It’s You

Sometimes my inner child gets scared and I want my mother. I need her to be there and tell me that she loves me. I only want to feel her love. I need her to comfort me, but that is a feeling that I rarely felt. All I ever needed is her and she is all that I don’t have. I hurts to feel unloved and I don’t know how to be okay with feeling like an “orphan”. I guess that I miss my mother that I grew up with, but that mother is gone. I felt like I begged her to love me for years - Then she gave up. I don’t think you should ever have to beg someone for love.

How am I supposed to move on? As usual I have to counsel myself and heal my wounds. I should be accustomed to it by now. You neglected me my whole life. Why should you ever change? I resent you for all the unnecessary pain you put me through. I don’t need you to give me money, support my bad habits, raise my kids (even if I had any), all I need is your love.

I am not like the rest of your kids, but you don’t seem to care. I don’t want to hurt over you anymore. I feel like I torture myself, because you don’t try. I’m tired of feeling not good enough for you, because I am. You’re a damn stubborn fool and can’t see it. I can’t save you, but I can’t help but hurt over you. I have to move on, because it is killing me to dwell on the past. I can’t do anything to help you. I know I can’t tell you goodbye, but I don’t have to hurt either.

The holidays are always hard, because I miss you when you actually cared. All I ever wanted was a family that cared about each other. There is nothing wrong with me. It’s you.








(Written by Amy E. McCoy 12-13-10)



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http://animalnewyork.com/2013/science-proves-that-loneliness-can-be-deadly/

My Voice

I need to use my voice and my point of view to examine my childhood. How did I feel as a child? I felt neglected, unimportant, abandoned, ignored, hurt, scared, and invisible.

I wanted to be a part of the team, to be heard, to take part in a positive way. I wanted my family to live in harmony and there to be a sense of togetherness. I seen so much fighting, anger, tension and I felt so much negative energy. It was an intensely crippling feeling that I carried around throughout my early years.

I learned how to be a chameleon, but in the process I lost my own sense of self. I have to regain or find myself amongst the debris of all those shattered dreams and lost memories. My innocence and self confidence was taken, because my confidence was never built as a child.

I compare myself to my sister and brothers like my mom did, but that is not helpful. I am nothing like them and never will be. I rose above all those ill intentions and immature behavior.

I wanted to be safe, happy, and matter to my family as a child. As an adult I realize that I can’t have that relationship with them. I still dislike this fact, but I can not change who they are. Accept that I can change only me and repair only me and do what makes me happy.

I want to accept that I owe my family nothing and vise-versa. What is done is done and can not be changed. I expect them to apologize or know that they wronged me, but how are they going to know if I don’t tell them?

I have to believe in myself, because no one else is going to. It starts with one and that is me. 

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