Destiny

Once I walked down a path that was dark and treacherous. 
That path was overgrown with deceit and thievery. 
The thorns of delusion were laced with vile poison.
I carried this cross with a mighty burden of shame a tow.
You placed upon me guilt that was not mine.
Your legacy is one of despair and I will not share it with you.
I will not carry on in this twisted plot to ruin innocent lives. 
Your evil will stop with me. 
As a result I wear these scars. 
At least no one else will have to suffer as I did. 
I control my destiny now.

(Written by Amy E. McCoy 6-5-13)

At The Dog Park

Garamond is welcoming a Yorkie with his typical bark ambush combo.

Self Destructive

I get so tired sometimes; tired of trying. I guess I've been needing this break down for a while now. I've been hurting for a long time.

I was a scared, angry child struggling to feel safe and looking for balance. I have never had balance or stability for a long period of time. I am not accustomed to being happy with someone for a long period of time either.

I'm afraid that I can't pick myself up again, but I know that I have to. There's a voice inside my head that is negative. I don't know where all this self destruction came from, but I have to ignore it. I don't want to live my life unhappy. I don't want to feel this lonely and broken anymore. 

(Written 3-19-13)



http://www.besthomecaremn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/bigstock-Woman-Depressed-Series-27249164.jpg

Emotional

Garamond is keeping me company while I sit on the floor writing. Today has been emotional and I’ve been avoiding it all day. I don’t want to deal with it, but I have to.

My present life isn’t hard exactly, but dealing with my past is. I have to find the source of this torture. Maybe in some weird way I am looking for a place to belong - a family of my own. I have an overwhelming fear of everything. I fear the unknown, of taking risks, and failure of any sort.

I battle myself everyday and have to make myself do little stuff to help my confidence and get over these irrational fears.

I just want to forget and be happy, but I can’t.  I want to escape and not think about all the bad stuff that happened and made me cry.

My family crumbled, fell apart, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t help them. I needed them and they were not there. 

(Written 3-19-13)

It’s You

Sometimes my inner child gets scared and I want my mother. I need her to be there and tell me that she loves me. I only want to feel her love. I need her to comfort me, but that is a feeling that I rarely felt. All I ever needed is her and she is all that I don’t have. I hurts to feel unloved and I don’t know how to be okay with feeling like an “orphan”. I guess that I miss my mother that I grew up with, but that mother is gone. I felt like I begged her to love me for years - Then she gave up. I don’t think you should ever have to beg someone for love.

How am I supposed to move on? As usual I have to counsel myself and heal my wounds. I should be accustomed to it by now. You neglected me my whole life. Why should you ever change? I resent you for all the unnecessary pain you put me through. I don’t need you to give me money, support my bad habits, raise my kids (even if I had any), all I need is your love.

I am not like the rest of your kids, but you don’t seem to care. I don’t want to hurt over you anymore. I feel like I torture myself, because you don’t try. I’m tired of feeling not good enough for you, because I am. You’re a damn stubborn fool and can’t see it. I can’t save you, but I can’t help but hurt over you. I have to move on, because it is killing me to dwell on the past. I can’t do anything to help you. I know I can’t tell you goodbye, but I don’t have to hurt either.

The holidays are always hard, because I miss you when you actually cared. All I ever wanted was a family that cared about each other. There is nothing wrong with me. It’s you.








(Written by Amy E. McCoy 12-13-10)



http://theunboundedspirit.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/loneliness.jpg
http://animalnewyork.com/2013/science-proves-that-loneliness-can-be-deadly/