Sunday, May 19, 2013

It’s You

Sometimes my inner child gets scared and I want my mother. I need her to be there and tell me that she loves me. I only want to feel her love. I need her to comfort me, but that is a feeling that I rarely felt. All I ever needed is her and she is all that I don’t have. I hurts to feel unloved and I don’t know how to be okay with feeling like an “orphan”. I guess that I miss my mother that I grew up with, but that mother is gone. I felt like I begged her to love me for years - Then she gave up. I don’t think you should ever have to beg someone for love.

How am I supposed to move on? As usual I have to counsel myself and heal my wounds. I should be accustomed to it by now. You neglected me my whole life. Why should you ever change? I resent you for all the unnecessary pain you put me through. I don’t need you to give me money, support my bad habits, raise my kids (even if I had any), all I need is your love.

I am not like the rest of your kids, but you don’t seem to care. I don’t want to hurt over you anymore. I feel like I torture myself, because you don’t try. I’m tired of feeling not good enough for you, because I am. You’re a damn stubborn fool and can’t see it. I can’t save you, but I can’t help but hurt over you. I have to move on, because it is killing me to dwell on the past. I can’t do anything to help you. I know I can’t tell you goodbye, but I don’t have to hurt either.

The holidays are always hard, because I miss you when you actually cared. All I ever wanted was a family that cared about each other. There is nothing wrong with me. It’s you.

(Written by Amy E. McCoy 12-13-10)

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