I wanted to be a part of the team, to be heard, to take part in a positive way. I wanted my family to live in harmony and there to be a sense of togetherness. I seen so much fighting, anger, tension and I felt so much negative energy. It was an intensely crippling feeling that I carried around throughout my early years.
I learned how to be a chameleon, but in the process I lost my own sense of self. I have to regain or find myself amongst the debris of all those shattered dreams and lost memories. My innocence and self confidence was taken, because my confidence was never built as a child.
I compare myself to my sister and brothers like my mom did, but that is not helpful. I am nothing like them and never will be. I rose above all those ill intentions and immature behavior.
I wanted to be safe, happy, and matter to my family as a child. As an adult I realize that I can’t have that relationship with them. I still dislike this fact, but I can not change who they are. Accept that I can change only me and repair only me and do what makes me happy.
I want to accept that I owe my family nothing and vise-versa. What is done is done and can not be changed. I expect them to apologize or know that they wronged me, but how are they going to know if I don’t tell them?
I have to believe in myself, because no one else is going to. It starts with one and that is me.