Self Destructive

I get so tired sometimes; tired of trying. I guess I've been needing this break down for a while now. I've been hurting for a long time.

I was a scared, angry child struggling to feel safe and looking for balance. I have never had balance or stability for a long period of time. I am not accustomed to being happy with someone for a long period of time either.

I'm afraid that I can't pick myself up again, but I know that I have to. There's a voice inside my head that is negative. I don't know where all this self destruction came from, but I have to ignore it. I don't want to live my life unhappy. I don't want to feel this lonely and broken anymore. 

(Written 3-19-13)



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Emotional

Garamond is keeping me company while I sit on the floor writing. Today has been emotional and I’ve been avoiding it all day. I don’t want to deal with it, but I have to.

My present life isn’t hard exactly, but dealing with my past is. I have to find the source of this torture. Maybe in some weird way I am looking for a place to belong - a family of my own. I have an overwhelming fear of everything. I fear the unknown, of taking risks, and failure of any sort.

I battle myself everyday and have to make myself do little stuff to help my confidence and get over these irrational fears.

I just want to forget and be happy, but I can’t.  I want to escape and not think about all the bad stuff that happened and made me cry.

My family crumbled, fell apart, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t help them. I needed them and they were not there. 

(Written 3-19-13)

It’s You

Sometimes my inner child gets scared and I want my mother. I need her to be there and tell me that she loves me. I only want to feel her love. I need her to comfort me, but that is a feeling that I rarely felt. All I ever needed is her and she is all that I don’t have. I hurts to feel unloved and I don’t know how to be okay with feeling like an “orphan”. I guess that I miss my mother that I grew up with, but that mother is gone. I felt like I begged her to love me for years - Then she gave up. I don’t think you should ever have to beg someone for love.

How am I supposed to move on? As usual I have to counsel myself and heal my wounds. I should be accustomed to it by now. You neglected me my whole life. Why should you ever change? I resent you for all the unnecessary pain you put me through. I don’t need you to give me money, support my bad habits, raise my kids (even if I had any), all I need is your love.

I am not like the rest of your kids, but you don’t seem to care. I don’t want to hurt over you anymore. I feel like I torture myself, because you don’t try. I’m tired of feeling not good enough for you, because I am. You’re a damn stubborn fool and can’t see it. I can’t save you, but I can’t help but hurt over you. I have to move on, because it is killing me to dwell on the past. I can’t do anything to help you. I know I can’t tell you goodbye, but I don’t have to hurt either.

The holidays are always hard, because I miss you when you actually cared. All I ever wanted was a family that cared about each other. There is nothing wrong with me. It’s you.








(Written by Amy E. McCoy 12-13-10)



http://theunboundedspirit.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/loneliness.jpg
http://animalnewyork.com/2013/science-proves-that-loneliness-can-be-deadly/

My Voice

I need to use my voice and my point of view to examine my childhood. How did I feel as a child? I felt neglected, unimportant, abandoned, ignored, hurt, scared, and invisible.

I wanted to be a part of the team, to be heard, to take part in a positive way. I wanted my family to live in harmony and there to be a sense of togetherness. I seen so much fighting, anger, tension and I felt so much negative energy. It was an intensely crippling feeling that I carried around throughout my early years.

I learned how to be a chameleon, but in the process I lost my own sense of self. I have to regain or find myself amongst the debris of all those shattered dreams and lost memories. My innocence and self confidence was taken, because my confidence was never built as a child.

I compare myself to my sister and brothers like my mom did, but that is not helpful. I am nothing like them and never will be. I rose above all those ill intentions and immature behavior.

I wanted to be safe, happy, and matter to my family as a child. As an adult I realize that I can’t have that relationship with them. I still dislike this fact, but I can not change who they are. Accept that I can change only me and repair only me and do what makes me happy.

I want to accept that I owe my family nothing and vise-versa. What is done is done and can not be changed. I expect them to apologize or know that they wronged me, but how are they going to know if I don’t tell them?

I have to believe in myself, because no one else is going to. It starts with one and that is me. 

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Drift

The beginning is the end. 
The middle is the halfway point where we must decide what to cling to. 
Every path has obstacles and there will be debris strewn along the way.
I don't know where I am supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do. 
Am I looking for someone to lead me? 
I can't seem to stay in one place for very long. 
The open trail calls for me to travel and explore. 
These small villages can't keep my attention for long. 
No piece of earth can hold me down.
I do not know what is expected of me from this small minded peasants.
I am afraid I will always drift, but am I lost?
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http://l5r.wikia.com/wiki/Ki-Rin%27s_Path?file=Ki-Rin%2527s_Path.jpg
http://www.wallsonline.org/path-to-the-sky/

My Boys

Here are my two boys, whom are so very spoiled. They are both adopted and rescued to live a happy life. 

Garamond

Garamond was adopted December 6, 2012 from a shelter in Arlington. He is a (beige, white, and apricot) 3 year old terrier mix. I think he is part Cairn Terrier and Yorkshire Terrier, but I am unsure. 

He is 10 pounds and full of energy. He likes to laze about in his crate and to nap throughout the day. He is smart and barky, because he has a lot to say. He loves to gain someones attention while on long walks by barking. He loves babies and children, not so much adults. I am thinking that maybe he was abused. 
He gives the best puppy-dog eyes when he wants something - it's adorable. Garamond loves dogs and the dog park is his favorite place to go. 

Archie

Archie is a (brown, beige, and black) one year old terrier mix. I think he is an Irish Terrier and Cairn Terrier mix, but I am unsure. Archie was adopted from Paws in the City on May 4, 2013.  He is 12 pounds, but feels like 15. He is very stout and active. Oh and he also loves to nap, but her prefers the couch. He loves to play and is so very loving. He loves children and adults.

Kimbra - Settle Down

 

Good song. Kimbra's voice is nice and her lyrics are very interesting. 

Bright Future

Nature has a way of singing to our souls. Their lyrics lace our lives with its sweet melody. The mountains call to our inner selves. A part of us longs for the freedom that lies at its peak. When we are 
fortunate enough to look over the landscape below we cherish the view. 
 
The clean mountain air nourishes our souls deeply. At the end of a long day we all need to feel like we have accomplished what we set out to do and if we are successful we should rejoice.  
 



Tomorrow is not guaranteed and we should live as happily as we possibly can.  We should always plan for a bright future, because tomorrow just may be bring the answer you have been waiting for. 



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Abandon Myself

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Stooping low to hide behind the bed

Hoping no one can see me

I fear, but I know what will happen

One more time to abandon myself

One more time to separate myself from this terror

I know later I will forget

I will go on like nothing happened

I can go outside and play

At night I know I will cry

I wake up crying, but in the morning I can go to school

I have to believe that everything will be okay

I can push the bad thoughts away

I try to think of all the fun stuff I want to do

I dread going home to listen to the fighting

Everyone is always upset.

All I hear is the screaming, and these painful memories resound in my head

I cover my ears and pretend not to hear

I am terrified someone will hurt each other or me

I can’t watch the violence anymore

(Written by Amy E. McCoy 11-8-06)

Still Primitive Beasts

Thoughts elude me as I recognize the numb within. I care not to ponder yet still seek something more. To what end do we exist, a topic I will no doubt ponder for years as I have for many years still.

My mind is restless and my thoughts formless no shape, no design, blank, void, Do the cosmos offer any clue? I shall think do. Man may never unlock the stars; do we know too little, and can comprehend the like.
All strive for knowledge, understanding, and more ways to approach the hypothesis.

Once we thought that the earth being the center of the universe, now believes the sun is the center. No doubt we may revise that theory as well.

Of all the advancements we still are brutal, primitive beasts that grow strength in the senseless slaughter of each other.

I do not advocate the wholesale slaughter of innocents, but I see very few innocent. I find no established government or officials’ innocent. It is the laborers broken back that support this corrupted system.

I weep not for the politicians’ or wealthy men. I weep for the hungry, beaten, and downtrodden. It is they that are directly affected. The rich buy freedom while the poor must fight for it. The human condition is a sad one.

We call ourselves civilized, but we have not changed our biology remains the same. Fear the educated for they deliberated cause strife. The ignorant know not what they do; the repercussions can be deadly and infinite. This forethought is unbeknownst to them. They retaliate as animals would and can only be pitied.

It is the educated men that strike a man down with a pen – that is what we call civilized. They do not need to shot and bleed a man physically. To crush an enemy’s hope is far greater than to crush his body. It pains me to see such abusive behavior. The blatant twisted force of power to enslave the masses disgusts me. Men do what fancies them and to hell with the rest. They do not care fro the others that suffer for their sake.

I weep for the long-suffering and meek, but I tire of carrying this burden. My resolve becomes weak at times yet my lineage is strong. 

Once my ancestors ruled over nations, owned lands in the mother country, fought many epic battles for freedom, but now I am left with none of their privileges, I am like one of the peasants they once ruled. 

How I was born out of era, too soon or too late I am uncertain. Many matters pain me intolerably. I find myself utterly misplaced in the shuffle.

(Written by Amy E. McCoy 1-23-06)


http://feinobi.deviantart.com/art/Palpatine-s-propaganda-poster-299270516

Words Heal

 

I am dedicating this post to poetry that I have written during a tumultuous time in my life. I grew a lot as a person over a long period of time. I had so much soul searching to do.

My journey began in a place of dysfunction surrounded by a horde of barbarians. I grew to be a cautious observer.

The goal of this post is to possibly help someone who has also felt the same way. If you read through all the poetry I have written you will definitely see a pattern. I feel like I was put on this earth to help as many down trodden and lost souls as possible...and I don't mean that in a religious sense either.

You can comment on any post at any time from anywhere! 

I would be very happy to hear from you. 

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